..'til I return back to Malaysia for good after my 2 years of studies in the UK.
Prior to this, I gave myself an ample amount of time to think and reflect back on my journey here and I must say it was rather enlightening. For the past few weeks, many of my friends have asked me how do I feel about leaving the UK. Am I ready to leave? Am I ready to return home? What is home? There are no easy answers.
I count myself fortunate to have met many people from different countries and background (one of the beauty I like about it here!) whilst in the UK and they would ask about Malaysia and my own background story. So I've summarised my usual answers to 3 simple ones:
"It's hot all year round in Malaysia"
"I grew up speaking 4 languages"
"Malaysian food is amazing"
Little did I know, I started to reflect more on my own country than I did while back at home. It kinda made me realise how blessed I was to be able to speak so many languages, to have Summer for 365 days (absolutely loathe Winter except when it snows) and to be so in love with our national dish "Nasi Lemak" (well at least we can claim that that's ours and be proud of it. Hah!).
It was always a bittersweet relationship between Malaysia and me. I've never been able to truly understand my country when I was back there so it was pleasantly surprising to be able to appreciate her goodness and flaws now. Upon discovering about Malaysia, I also discovered a new life in the UK. All of a sudden there was this new Jean in the UK too. I remember the excitement of going onto the plane with a one-way ticket and bid Malaysia goodbye for my new and mysterious beginning in the land of Jane Austen, Harry Potter and "cheerio" (never actually heard anyone saying that here).
The capability of being independent and brave in a foreign country well exceed my initial expectation. The first 2 months were the hardest: adjusting to the cold weather, the shops close at 6PM, and most difficult of all, trying to understand the local accent (and I'm still having trouble understanding some thick ones!) and its culture. On a serious note, dealing with racism and bullying was also a big part of my life here. These are the stories that people don't usually openly talk about because it's unpleasant and we don't want to worry our family back home after they have spent a fortune on our overseas education.
 |
| Snowy morning // View from my room window |
I've grown to love, hate, appreciate and cherish this Jean in the UK. It has been an incredible journey of self-reflection, overcoming challenges and finding who I want to be. No parents, no friends, no commitment. It was like starting afresh; the second chance in life to be the person I want to be. I must honestly say I am not perfect and neither will I be but, I'm beginning to accept myself more by the day. To be who I really want to be and most importantly, to have met everyone from different walks of life that has helped shape me into who I am today. 2 years may seem like a short time but I've learned so much and grown so much as a person than I could have done so in Malaysia (this is for me personally; I can't say the same for other Malaysians abroad).
After my undergraduate degree, I had a strong urge to stay on for another year for my Masters and I did. I was not ready to go home yet. There was something more for me in the UK than in Malaysia. So after my Master's degree, I hesitated going back to Malaysia because I'm already well adjusted to the life here. Between my dissertation hand-in in September to my graduation in December, I began to feel a sense of closure. It's not because I was going to graduate but rather, it was like my time in the UK is done and I was at peace with it. I was ready to close this chapter of my UK life. And it comforts me to know that someone else would be beginning their chapter of their lives in the UK as I close mine. But, nevertheless, going back to Malaysia terrifies me a little.
My life back home has been on a pause since I left but others have to move on with their life without me there. And now, after 2 years and so many things happening in between, going back home to "unpause" my life, to fit back into my familiar place is kind of intimidating. Where do I begin again? Drifted apart friendships would now have to reconnect again. A place of familiarity has become unfamiliar to me. Torn apart between two realities and identities; there will always be a part of me from Malaysia and another part of me from the UK. Time will only tell when I will find a balance between these two worlds to meet.
So to end this post, I'm still very much excited to be home albeit nervous if I must say so. From the bottom of my heart, I'm glad I have met everyone in the UK for creating these incredible and unforgettable memories for me. I wish you the best in life and I hope we'll meet somewhere in the world again.
Let's not be strangers,
JC.
