Why bother with a Master's?

Who would have thought that enrolling into a Master's programme could ultimately break me mentally and emotionally? For 23 years of my life, I've never felt that I could fail myself in this arduous journey. For some, it may just be a phase of their lives that they will soon forget this hardship. For others, especially students who are like me, coming from a different cultural background, country, language differences while pursuing an education in the UK, this may be one of our poignant experiences in our lives.

I always thought that I was a B average student, a 2:1 student who could have gotten a first if I just tried harder. After embarking on this Master's degree, I can say that my confidence has been shaken to the very core. With the added pressure and the extremely expensive tuition fees, you just can't help yourself but avoid disappointing your parents back home. After all, it was my decision to continue for another year in the UK. I could have gone home to find a job, earn a decent enough income (we all know that's impossible in KL), and kick start my career.

Within the last 2 months, I have broken down multiple times with chest heaving sobs while the world spins around me. Telling myself that it's impossible to do this. That it is too much for me to handle. I just want to go home and be comforted by my parents. That it's all going to be ok if I decided to quit right now. But you know what's the hardest part? This would be the last of my academic milestone and I'm about to reach the finishing line.

I cannot stress how mentally and emotionally drained I am. I don't want to make small talks with friends. I don't want to play catch up with people back home. I cannot bare the emotional baggage of hearing another person's worries and sad stories when I, myself, am trying to get a grip on my own mental stability. Does that make me a selfish prick? Aren't we all sort of tied to the invisible thread of sociomoral obligations? Of being the good friend who puts other people first than themselves. Or maybe it's just my sociomoral obligations that I made myself believe in. Just 4 more days before I hand in my last essay before I begin my dissertation project. I have 0 words in. I have already written 10,000 words in the last month and another 2500 words to go. It doesn't seem much but I am this close to throwing the towel in. I can't imagine completing my dissertation project with another 15000 words.

I just hope that the following months will be better, it must get better from hereon. I keep telling myself that it is all worth it, that I may finally know what I am about to do with my life after this (either going into policymaking or political research). I don't want this to be just another phase of life that would come to pass, I want to remember that I was weak and I need to acknowledge my current mental and emotional health. We see graduation photos as just another milestone in the lives of other people, but we will never truly understand the background journey of them getting there in the first place.

Staying strong,
JC